Dear Biff and Grinny,
Fuck, I can't believe it. I can't believe you got another fucking cat. I'm sorry, but, like, how can you possibly fit another cat up there- your place is TINY!
These are your choices, but seriously, what makes you think the cats like living up there with you? There's the two of you and how many cats? Like ten? Or fifteen now? What the fuck?
Anyway, so I'm writing to you about the hole in the ceiling and I'm also writing to ask you to please stop vacuuming at two in the morning. Grinny, I know you like to drink wine and vacuum, and I know that the cats knock plants over and make a mess in the middle of the night, but can't you wait until the morning to clean it all up? Please? As for the hole in the ceiling that happened after you OD'd on your meds and broke the bathroom sink pipe with your head, Biff, I just wanted to let you know that we've placed a small microphone right below the floorboards there and we're recording all your fights so we can play them later at dinner parties. Those are some funny fights you guys have, holy shit!
Also, before I forget, Biff, could you please stop lurking around the shed in our back yard? It totally creeps us out when we see you traipsing through our yard in your bermuda shorts with no shirt on.
Remember when we first moved in here, and we thought we could be friends with you guys? You guys even gave us a little mini-barbeque as a wedding present. You came over a couple times, and that was fine, but honestly? Honestly, we didn't really like you. And we made fun of you as soon as you went upstairs. We're not assholes or anything, it was just funny.
Anyway, so please don't worry about paying for the hole in the ceiling to be fixed. Your fights are obnoxious and difficult to ignore, but since we're recording them we know it'll totally be worth it one day. So anyway, yeah. Peace out.
Sincerely and truly,
Mr. and Mrs. Philbin-Schooner (from downstairs!!!)
:) :) :)
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Dear Mrs. Philbin-Schooner,
We haven't seen you around much lately. The new neighbours don't even talk to us. Their dog barks when I try to lurk about the yard which I find very unnerving.
I'm sure you'll be excited to know I've learned a new song which brings my current repertoire up to three. (Not including the scales I like to practice when you're trying to fuck)
Well, I hope you're happy at your new place. We were thinking we could maybe come over for dinner sometime and jam. I'm just waiting for the day you find you're expecting another child and that's when I'll strike. Please have apple crisp prepared. That's my favourite.
Regards,
Biff
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