My Outer World Sure Is A Dump Today

You know when you stand up too fast and all the stars in the universe come rushing at your face like little shards of glass? It's fucked, but it happens, doesn't it?

I drank a cup of my dad's MGB coffee this morning and it's given me the bad anxiety. Really bad. I dropped Ava at daycare mid-morning and as soon as I pulled out of the driveway it really started buzzing.


First I started worrying that she was going to puke.

She might puke today, you never know.

She's not going to puke.

But she might puke today and you dropped her off early.

That's okay. It's fine! She'll be fine!

Oh yeah. You're like one of those WalMart moms with the hamburger heads. You have a burger for a head instead of a human head.

That's ridiculous.

You know what you are? You're an asshole. She might puke and you don't even have your cell phone.

She's fine. She's not going to puke.

How do you know? Hmmmmm... selfish. Selfish asshole.

I'm not selfish. I'm not an asshole. I need time for myself sometimes.

Okay. Yeah, maybe you're not an asshole.

I'm not. I don't think I am.

Try to think of some people who think you are.

No!

Just try, it'll be fun!

No. Who cares?

You do.

I do not.

Yep, ya do. You say you don't, but you do. Everyone does.

No, not everyone. Not Peter Mansbridge.

Yeah, maybe not him. But everyone else.

Fine, everyone cares. So I'm like everyone else, can we drop it now please?

Fine.

But...


Hey!!!!


Look at this car! Look at these fucking cassettes everywhere! Look at the drink holders, those pennies have been stuck in there since last July! Disgusting!

But I haven't had time, to be fair-

Well, you've sure been taking a lot of naps lately. Think of what the daycare ladies would say if they knew you dropped Ava off so you could have a nap?

You're just nitpicking at me.

Yep. Somebody's got to.

Why do you always say Yep all the fucking time? Stop saying Yep.

You might be hungry.

I might?

Yes, you're hungry.

I am?

Yeah, go buy some donuts. Go through the Tim Hortons drive through and get some. A pack or a dozen or something.

I don't even like donuts.








I really don't like donuts.








I'm not an asshole.