The Golden Science of Repressed Longing

The Academy Awards are on tonight, so Shane and me are ordering a big thing of noodles and breadsticks from Romeos. i already got drinks, i got RC Cola and so much rum its crazy. i got two bags of sour keys and some licorice and a bag of tostitos and a bag of jerky and two boxes of turtles to bring over. Wer'e watching at his house because his dad just gave him a flatscreen TV for his birthday. it's a 40 inch flatscreen TV and Shane just about creamed when his dad brought it over with a big red bow on it and everything. i was like Holy thats a big TV, and Shane was like Holy Fuck, too. And his dad was like youre darn right its big, alls the men in this family got everything big, haha. So funny.


Shane and me been going together two years or actually 27 months if you count months. i pretend to be in love with him, i even pretend it to myself. Like i tell myself i am in love even when the little stern voice lights up my insides with all kinds of meanness saying oh, your just phony and you just get boyfriends cause you don't want to be alone. ill just say shhhhh, thats enough nasty talk thank you very much.

i dont talk nasty, im in love thank you very much!

And i been trying real hard to get all worked up over Shanes new spikey blond hair. He does his hair like Chandler from Friends now cause i said i liked the way he weared it one time and whatdya know, next day he got his but over to a salon and paid almost $80 for a special Chandler cut!! i was like eighty bucks FUCK OFF!!! And Shane was like do you like it? He was all nervous, and i was like yeah it looks da bomb. Honestly though, it looked nasty because his foreheads kinda big and he doesnt have much for a chin. But whatever, he tried, he got a blow job that night, ha ha~! And its grown in good.

But tonight the Oscars are on. Did i already say that? Ha ha. Say la vee! i love that expression.

So i dont tell everyone this but i used to be an actress. i was in two plays and a whole entire series of commershles for this houseplant food called ChemBreast. They were just online commershles because Randy, the guy who filmed me? He said the commershle would be too long for TV and they woudlnt let it on. i had a bunch of lines and i was really into my character because i'm a methed-actress. i was the star of the commershle because the camera was on me most of the time. It started adn i was at the doorstep of this house in a bikini and a tie. i knock on the door and the other actor (his name was Mark but later i found out it was Ben because i saw him working at Sport Check and i saw the name tag, ha ha!) answers like yeah can i help you? And i say hey, im Austin, are your plants thirsty because Chembreast will help quench your thirsty plants mouths and then Marks like yeah, come in I want to test your product and then i go in and im like let me show you my product and hes like yeah baby, show me your product but first lets go see my wife and my two friends Derek and Adonis theyre in the hot tub upstairs. Anyway, i dont have any lines after that just noises until the end when i pour the ChemBreast plant food to a dying potted fern and it suddenly grows (CGI effects) and then i get to wink at the camera, ha ha! Thats just one of them in the series and in my opinion its the best one because as they say sequels aren't as good as originels.

At first this year i was like im so over the Oscars, who cares but then i always get excited because of my acting history and i gotta confess i do think that could be me up there winning that award one day, you never know. I got the book and th e DVD of The Secret and I use the teckniqs so I can really say you never know because you don't. The secret is about a thing you can do to get everthing you ever wanted and more.


So who do i thinks gonna win tonight? Well i hope not heath ledger, hes fcuking dead as a doornail so he cant even appreshiate it and anyway he was also in that fag movie a few years back that made my dad go nuts to the mental hostpital. Buttfuck mountain. Thats not the movies real name but im sure you know the movie I mean. i dont really want to get into it but the long story short is he went to the movie cause he thought it was a hunting movie because hes a hunter and a trapper and whattdya know there was heath ledger kissing the other dude and getting in love with him or something, whatever. and my dad was cleerly so disgusded by it that he went psycho and started to scream in what sounded like naother language and punching himself in the face and everything in the middle of the movie theater. Maybe you read about it in the local paper? i dont care if you did its all over now. They got the ambulence and everything and next thing i knmow i was visiting my poor dad drooling away in PIC.